


The Trust and Self-Assurance that Can Lead to Happiness

by mcgarrygirl78



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Romance, post-episode
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-25
Updated: 2015-09-25
Packaged: 2018-04-23 07:13:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4867847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“When you open a Pandora’s Box the lid never quite goes back on the right way.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Trust and Self-Assurance that Can Lead to Happiness

**Author's Note:**

> Slight spoilers for 17 x01 and x02, Devils’ Dissections and Criminal Pathology.
> 
> I actually watched the episode live tonight with commercials and everything. It was a wild ride. I have no earthly idea why this story came to me a few hours later but it did so I went with it.

“You're still here.”

He walked into the Sergeant’s office. There were still some cops around, the place was never empty, but the late shift tended to be a skeleton crew.

“I have work to do.”

“Liv…”

“Nearly a hundred cases, Counselor. That’s the amount of cases that M.E. Rudnick worked on during his time here…and that was just for SVU. The NYPD is taking a hit on this.”

“As well they should.”

“Really?” she looked at him with daggers in her brown eyes. “That’s your answer.”

“Liv, you need to go home. You need to go home to your son.”

“Don’t concern yourself about where I need to be.” She shook her head. “Melinda Warner is down in the damn basement doing a job that if would’ve been hers in the first place we wouldn’t even be in this mess. I'm just supposed to go home and sleep it off?”

“Are you going to help her re-do all of those autopsies?” he asked.

“What are you doing here? After what you pulled I shouldn’t be speaking to you. Ahh,” she held up a finger. “That’s right...technically I'm not. It’s past closing time, counselor so this conversation is over.”

“I know you're upset about the Rollins thing.” Barba closed the door. He put his briefcase down on the couch and walked closer to her desk. “I made a judgment call…”

“Which was in no way your call to make. You don’t give my detectives orders. She was dealing with enough and didn’t need to be anywhere near that psychopath in the first place. You overstepped.”

“You’ve overstepped more than once. When something is for the good of the case there have been plenty of times when we did it and asked questions later. If you're going to be pissed at me, be pissed at me. Just be pissed at me for the right reasons.”

“Oh you want to know why I'm pissed at you!” Olivia exclaimed, pushing back and standing up from her desk. She sighed. “My head is splitting; I can't do this tonight.”

“It’s my fault.” Rafael hardly spoke above a whisper when he said it. “It’s entirely my fault.”

“I know that.”

“Every time I go over it in my head, I just…it’s very, very complicated.”

“I've heard that one before. You guys need to get some new lines.”

“This isn't easy for me, Liv.”

“I'm sorry; would you like a hug? Would you like to be reassured that it’s perfectly alright to hurt someone you care about because well, you know, it’s complicated? What isn't complicated?”

That was a really good question. It was all happening too fast and one minute the ADA thought he had control over it while the next he knew no such thing. Work needed to be his focus right now. It needed to be his primary focus. Matters of the heart, or whatever, couldn’t make him lose his focus. Even standing there with her right now, his arms ached for her. 

He'd been aching for her for weeks. It was so hard to do what he'd done, and the worse part was that it did nothing to help him toward getting back on the work, work, work track. Rafael wasn’t sleeping well at night. The headaches were back, frequent and sometimes debilitating. He would lie in bed as the sun came up and swear he heard Noah crying or goofing around in the next room. It was impossible since he was sleeping alone now.

“Will you let me drive you home?” he asked.

“I'm good, thanks.”

“Are you going to hate me forever?”

“No.” Olivia turned her back on him when she said it. 

This wasn’t something she could handle at the moment. Olivia Benson was a few steps from falling apart. This case had taken more from her than she had to give. It put everything that she worked so hard for at risk. She knew the game, it wasn’t her decision to bring in Rudnick. 

That didn’t mean that her and her team wouldn’t be paying for it times infinity. And if that weren't crazy enough, this was just the straw that broke the camel’s back on her grief. Rafael ended their relationship a few weeks ago. He said he was neglecting work…things weren't getting done that needed to. He cared about her but never expected this. 

Things were moving too fast and it was best to put the brakes on. He was sorry, he never meant to hurt her. Olivia knew the spiel backwards and forwards she just never expected to hear it from his mouth. It had been years since she had a good, brokenhearted cry. One never felt good when the streak was broken.

“I want to fix this.” He said.

“You can't.”

“Maybe that would be true if I didn’t love you but I love you and I want to fix this.”

“I'm sorry?” she turned around.

“I love you.” He held up his hands in a combination of a shrug and absolute surrender. Just saying the words lifted some of the weight off his shoulders. There was plenty more to replace it but that was another fight for another day. “I'm struggling to tell you the truth because I hardly know what the truth is. 

“Except that, Olivia, I know that to be the truth. With you, I'm just better. Not a better lawyer, I'm already pretty damn good at that. You make me a better person. You fill empty spaces in me like no scotch or first edition Goethe ever could.”

“Goethe?”

“I love you. You don’t have to believe me but…”

“You’ve never lied to me. Now would be a really bad time to start so I'm going to go with believing you.”

“I know how to pine for someone.” Rafael said. “I know how to covet, which is a sin so I try to do that as little as possible. I know how to fuck, I even did pretty well with dating when I had the time and energy for such frivolities. Love scares me to death. What if I let you down? What if I let Noah down? 

“What if I hurt you? What if everyone finds out about us and I'm reassigned to Staten Island? What if someone comes after you to hurt me? What if I come after you and hurt you? I'm scared, and I'm angry that I'm scared. 

“I'm not asking for your forgiveness. I would beg for it but that’s very unbecoming. I thought I should, or could, refocus. I thought the one thing I could pump the brakes on, no matter how much it hurt, was this. And it hurt like hell. Three weeks has felt like three years and you’ve been the embodiment of professionalism.”

“I can't fall apart, Barba, I have a job to do.” she said. “Don’t for one moment mistake professionalism for lack of pain. I can't do the round and round, it’s bad for everyone involved. One conversation…we get it right or we walk away. No matter what we choose, we take a solemn promise to always be a good team. To be adult enough not to let intimate failings crossover into a professional life that has thus far been pretty successful.”

“I would graciously ask that I remain on Noah’s Uncle Squad.” He said. “Trevor says he's getting shirts made and I really want one. I have fallen for your son and I don’t want to lose him. I don’t want to lose either one of you.”

“So, lets drink; let talk. It’s gonna have to be honesty, Rafael. Some painful things may be said but we never direct them at each other out of anger. I’ll need to be 96% sober for work tomorrow. I’m sure Chief Dodds will show up because he tends to do so at the worse possible time.”

“Is Noah with Lucy?” Rafael asked.

“Yeah.” Olivia nodded. “I asked her to stay until about 10:30 and she was fine with it. Noah’s down by 8:15 and she can study for her special education classes.”

“Should we go to my place or a more neutral location?”

“Since I really don’t want this night to end with my panties around my ankles accepting your tearful, standup sex, a neutral location would be the best thing for all parties. Where should we go?”

“The Wolves Lair.” Rafael replied. “It’s a dive but doesn’t smell like one. They also never water down the drinks. I don’t want to be drinking three-quarters water and a dash of scotch tonight.”

“Alright. I’ll get my jacket…the rain made the temperature drop a bit.”

“I love autumn in New York.” 

“So do I. I wish I could enjoy more of it.”

“You should go on vacation.” He said.

“To New York? That’d be a bit redundant.”

“I was thinking California wine country. Take 10 days off from the precinct, pack up Noah, and go somewhere with beautiful weather and no dead bodies…at least not in your jurisdiction.”

Olivia nodded but didn’t say anything. Instead she got herself together and started walking out of the office door. Barba had no choice but to follow her. She took the arm of an officer who was coming down the hall.

“Wilkins, there are four boxes in my office. All of them have to be sent downstairs to the morgue tonight. Do not release them into anyone’s custody but Melinda Warner; she’ll sign for them.”

“Yes Sarge.” He nodded.

“You let her know that if she needs anything that I'm available all night and only a phone call away.”

“Absolutely.” He nodded again, going into her office and loading the boxes onto a push card.

Benson and Barba were headed in the other direction to the elevators. He looked around at everything, some of the fixtures were turned off, the office was at half-light capacity, and it was still too damn bright.

“Whose idea was this?” he asked as he pressed the down button.

“What?”

“To turn the squad room into a dentist’s office?”

“1 PP.” Olivia rolled her eyes. “Just when you get used to one way, they come in, tear it down, and start all over again. I haven’t decided if that’s to keep us on our toes or to make us as homicidal as the people we sometimes chase.”

“If it were me, it would be the latter.”

They stepped into the open elevator together; Liv hit the button for the lobby. As the doors were closing, Rafael’s hand came from behind his back. He wasn’t sure what would happen as it lingered in the air. After counting to fifty, yes he counted, Rafael went to pull his hand back. That’s when he felt Liv slip her fingers in. 

They fit perfectly, just like the first time and every time after that they held hands. There was only 15 or so seconds before the door opened so Rafael took the chance. He held their joined hands to his lips and then his heart. Separated once again down in the lobby, the Sergeant and the ADA both signed out. They walked out onto the drizzly street, neither caring much for an umbrella.

“We can just go home.” Olivia said.

“I want to make this right.”

“We’ll make it right at home, Rafi. It’s getting late, I should relieve Lucy, and I don’t expect you to be any less truthful with me on my couch than in a booth at some dive bar.”

“It’s an excellent dive bar.” He said.

“Still…”

“No, I agree. A quiet place might be better.”

“OK.” She nodded.

“Liv?”

“Yeah?”

“I made a big mistake. It happened, and it hurt you, and I never want to do that again. Couples hurt each other, all the time, but never again like this. Not that I'm assuming we’re a couple again but…”

“Just talk to me.” She placed her hand on his chest, cutting him off. “Talk to me like you're doing right now. What do you think I won’t understand?”

“When you open a Pandora’s Box the lid never quite goes back on the right way.” He said. “There are things in there that you need to know but I need to keep some control.”

“You're going to do just fine; I have faith in you.” Olivia squeezed his hands. “We should get out of the rain. Did you drive?”

“Yeah, c'mon.” Rafael put his arm around her shoulder and didn’t care who might see. This case nearly decimated all of them. They needed to hold onto the things they cared about. Rafael cared about Olivia and had finally told her so. If he could fix this tonight, and it wasn’t an absolute guarantee, he would never let go of her again.

***

“Oh God, ohhh God, Rafi, oh God!”

“Shh, shh,” he put his hand on her back to quiet her. The last thing he wanted to do was wake the baby.

“Don’t shush me, Counselor, fuck me. Fuck me!” So much for not having her panties around her ankles. Did it count if they were somewhere across the room instead?

Olivia arched her back, throwing her head back as she whimpered. Rafael tightened his grip on her hips as he took her from behind. That wasn’t one of his favorite positions with Olivia but considering he thought they'd never make love again now wasn’t the time to complain. It felt so good, she felt so good. 

Her skin, her sweat, the way she moaned or whimpered his name depending on how deep he went. The way she spread her thighs for him, guiding him with her body to the places that desperately needed his touch. Why had it felt like forever since he touched her? Forever since he kissed her, bit her, or hit that sensitive spot that made her sing?

She was coming, he was coming, the room was spinning, and Rafael was sure that for a moment he blacked out. He came to, to the sound of his own heavy breathing. He was still on top of her, still inside of her; Olivia resting on her stomach on the mattress.

“Did I hurt you?” he whispered, kissing her shoulder blade.

“Mmm,” it was all she could manage for the moment. Olivia reached back to caress his face.

It would take more than sex to get back on the road to being right. There were aspects of a relationship that would never be easy. Despite loving each other, and being right for each other, both Olivia and Rafael were coming into this with tons of baggage. They had been hurt, their trust had been broken, they had childhood shit and adult shit and shit that happened yesterday. 

They had to maintain a professional relationship that was above board and walk the fine line between work and their personal lives. Rafael had to become a de facto father to her son and that wasn’t an easy thing for anyone. She couldn’t ask him for more than he could give. But Olivia knew what he was capable of. Even when his fears made him run away, she knew he was better than that.

“I'm sorry.” He pulled away from her, falling onto his side on the mattress. There was a crack in his voice but Rafael didn’t bother to hide it. Olivia curled around him and he held on for dear life. “Lo siento, lo siento mi amor. Olvidame.”

“Hey, hey, I forgive you. I absolutely forgive you.” She sat up and kissed his lips. “I love you.”

“I'm a mess.” Rafael held back the tears. The surge of emotion going through his body right now felt like 10,000 volts of electricity. How close had he come to losing her, to not having this woman in his life?

“You need a good night’s rest, I'm sure.”

“I am sorry, Olivia.”

“I know that.” Olivia sat up and took his hand. She didn’t want him apologizing for the rest of his life. He didn’t deserve it and she didn’t want to hear it. He fucked up. Now was the time to fix it and move on from it. 

She wouldn’t be like some of the other people in his life, forcing him to relive and atone for the same mistakes until that’s all their relationship became. “I wish you would’ve just talked to me. You can always talk to me, Rafi. Whatever it is I'm not going to judge you. I'm only going to love you. You may say I'm sorry a thousand more times in our relationship but you're done saying it for this. OK?”

He nodded. She told him to say it aloud.

“OK.” He said. “C'mere, I just want to hold you.”

Olivia smiled and laid in his arms. She put her hand over his heart, felt it beating beneath her palm. Being with him was such bliss. Once they shook off the confines of the rigid jobs, which was easy when they were together, it was nothing but delight. That might not seem realistic to some but it was one of the realest things Olivia Benson ever had. 

They argued sometimes, they disagreed, but they never went to bed angry. There was more to dig through and worms would emerge from under rocks but she was ready. She loved Rafael. She was in love with him and would always fight for something that was worth having. The honeymoon phase ended with a bang…bring on the real deal.

The weight of her on him was a comfort. It was like a security blanket, though Rafael wasn’t sure if he should compare Olivia to something like that. In the few relationships he'd been in, other than the first, he couldn’t breathe after a while. He would become a wounded animal, chewing off a limb to escape. Saying things, feeling things, compromising things…he wanted to but couldn’t. 

Rafael tried but it was something that you could only fake for so long. Why he wasn’t like other people, he didn’t know. He watched his friends pair off all his life in a variety of long and short-term dalliances. Some were happy and some were miserable but they all seemed to know how to make due. He'd come close just once but couldn’t bring himself to fall. That was the last time, before Olivia, that he even tried. 

Loving Olivia snuck up on him. He crushed first, silly but true. He daydreamed about her like a schoolboy would. They had an amazing friendship; she just got him. Rafael never over-explained and even more than that, he wanted to tell her things. Emotions were repressed inside of him so it was only a matter of time before he exploded. 

A few times in his life he glued and taped and hoped the pieces back together but that would only work so many times. This might be his last chance at something that so many others had but he couldn’t seem to make sense of. Rafael didn’t want to hold onto it just for that. Olivia Benson was no one’s last chance, least of all his. The two of them together would be the best chapters of the topsy-turvy memoir that was his life.

***


End file.
